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Sexual Harassment—What Is It?

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With the wide range of media stories about famous men losing their jobs because of sexual harassment, you may ask yourself, “What is sexual harassment, anyhow?” Stories of sexual harassment are everywhere these days, but to date they have been largely confined to men as the perpetrators and females as their victims. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) defines sexual harassment as “unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature that explicitly or implicitly affects an individual’s employment, interferes with an individual’s work performance, or creates an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment.”

The offense may be hard to identify in its milder forms. If your supervisor says, “You look pretty today!” and the overtures do not escalate, is that borderline harassment? Probably not. But when compliments become more obvious, the incidents are usually preparatory.  Borderline compliments and innuendos are the hallmarks of the sexual harassment in progress.

Slippery Slope

The slippery slope of sexual harassment usually begins with questions such as, “I see you’re wearing a wedding ring.” ”How long have you been married?” “How do you like married life?” Violators also have a tendency to offer personal revelations about themselves that are inappropriate to a work setting.

Many women feel flattered to be offered such private information, little realizing that it’s part of a setup. The next step may be seemingly innocent touches that qualify as borderline violations. Generally, any intimate moves that embarrass or anger women fall into this category. Most men are cautious at first, testing the waters to see how safe it is to proceed.

The next step usually involves touching the woman’s skin or her garments. If permitted, the man may touch her hands, arms or face. He may, seemly by accident, brush against a woman’s breasts. He may jokingly pinch her bottom, acting as though it’s all in fun. If the move makes a woman uncomfortable, embarrassed or angry, the chances are it’s sexual harassment. Ordinarily, people are quite aware of their body language. How many women would brush against a man’s groin by accident? Or pinch his bottom as a joke?

If the man’s intentions haven’t been thwarted to this point, what may follow are concrete suggestions such as, “Would you like to go out for a drink after work?” If the man has a private office with a closed door, he may move in for greater intimacy, offering seductive comments like, “Ever since I met you, I think about you all the time.” Shouldn’t the woman be complimented? The hints about future sexual activity may still be subtle.

Initial overtures that appear innocent slowly graduate to more obvious moves. It may all start with good-humored comments about a woman’s attractive appearance. Next, a man may comment on her cleavage. If she objects, the man is likely to say, “Can’t you take a joke?”

Stopping Aggression

The only way to stop development of a slippery slope aggression is confrontation, frank and blunt. The woman who has rejected a man’s attention openly is likely to discourage further transgressions.

Women are asking for trouble if they try to sidestep the perpetrator’s overtures smilingly or subtly, even though they feel exposed and embarrassed. Boundary violations must be confronted for what they are. Humor or good-naturedness have no place in these scenarios. Women’s words and body language should convey outright rejection.

A woman’s comments should be forthright from the start. “I don’t think questions like that are appropriate here.” Unless the man has the hide of a rhinoceros, his response is likely to be feigned innocence under the pretense that anything he has said or done was in the spirit of good fun and friendship.

A man fingering the garment of a prospective victim is most likely to be discouraged by a firm, “Don’t touch me.” He will deny any malicious intent, but both parties know he’s play-acting. Entreating the man to stop by the use of feminine wiles is only likely to aggravate the problem. After all, dominance is the name of the game in sexual aggression. Acting helpless makes the man feel powerful and usually causes the problem to worsen. It’s perfectly appropriate to say,“If you touch me one more time, I’ll report you for sexual harassment.” These days, men know what that means.

Extreme Boundary Violations

Occasionally, the harassment  starts in more extreme forms. Usually, it’s not the first time for the perpetrator. The man who finds himself alone with a victim may use physical measures on the woman to dominate her—kissing her without permission, holding her, fondling her breasts or other body parts. At this point and beyond, his acts qualify as overt sexual assault.

Boundary violations have the purpose of establishing the dominance and superiority of the violator and make the victim feel submissive. They are harmful or potentially harmful to the victim’s welfare and feeling of autonomy.

Other Boundary Violations

Boundary violations can be financial—lending or giving money to a female co-worker, especially if she hasn’t requested it. Male supervisors should not engage in dual relationships with female employees in which there is a risk of exploitation or potential harm. A supervisor enters into a dual relationship when he acts as an advisor about one’s personal life, hires a woman to do “outside” work, or attempts to become a personal friend, teacher, or intimate partner.

Sequence of Moves

Psychologists Gabbard and Simon have pointed out a common sequence of sexual harassment. First, it involves a transition from last-name to first-name basis. The personal disclosures interrupt the business at  hand.  This is followed by some body contact—pats on the shoulder, massages, hugs. Trips outside the work setting are likely to follow: lunch dates, sometimes with alcoholic beverages, then dinner. This may be followed by attendance at the movies or other social events. The culminating event is sexual intercourse.

Conclusion

Sexual misconduct usually begins with relatively minor boundary violations, which, if not stopped, show a crescendo pattern of increasing intrusion into the victim’s space that culminates in sexual contact. A direct shift from talking to intercourse is quite rare; the “slippery slope” is the characteristic scenario.

#MeToo Holiday Inn Rape

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On December 23, 1999, I was raped by a Holiday Inn security guard in St. Augustine Beach, Florida.

My first awareness of the rape occurred after midnight, when I awakened in my room in the early morning hours dimly aware that something awful had happened the night before.  I had stopped in the hotel bar for a nightcap following an afternoon of Christmas shopping in St. Augustine. After a couple of gin and tonics I asked the bartender for my check. Moments later, a security guard brought me a drink—“on the house,” he said. After I’d finished it, I retired to my room and went to bed. The next thing I knew, I awoke around sunrise with a throbbing headache and very little memory of going to bed. I vaguely realized that something bad had happened. It took me a while to piece the fragments together.

As bits of memory began to surface, I recalled hearing the click of a key card in my door hours earlier. My bed lamp still on, I saw the security guard from the hotel bar advance toward the bed. He removed his clothes quickly but silently, pulled up my nightgown and climbed on top of me. In less than a minute it was over. I had not moved, feeling distant and paralyzed. After he slipped out of the room, I fell back asleep.

When I came to, I felt I had to get out of that room. So I slipped into some clothes and went out to the beach. As I walked along the sand, details began coming back. I realized I’d been raped.  What should I do next?

What I actually did was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I went to the hotel desk and reported the rape to the manager of the Holiday Inn. I was greeted with disbelief even though, when the manager checked the hotel’s computers, they registered an entry from the guard’s master key card the night before. As a lawyer later informed me, going to Holiday Inn management was a big mistake. I should have gone straight to the police. All I accomplished was to give the hotel advance notice and time to put a story together implicating me in alleged consensual sex.

When I finally made contact with the police the week after Christmas, I was basically told that I was a week too late. They could no longer collect evidence. A visit to the State Attorney’s office was equally unproductive. A civil case was my only recourse, I was informed, and juries seldom rule for the plaintiff when the accused perpetrator falsely claims that sex was consensual, which, of course, he did in my case.

The case eventually went to mediation, where I met with a lawyer I had hired and two lawyers from the Holiday Inn’s corporate offices. I was instructed to offer only short answers to their questions, which included: “What were you wearing to bed?”; “Is it true that you accepted a drink from the accused at the bar that evening?”; ”Why were you staying at the hotel alone?”; and “Were you attracted to the guard because he was black?” When the mediation session ended, the Holiday Inn lawyers offered me a modest settlement if I would agree to drop my complaint and keep the negotiations confidential.

Classic Holiday Inn Rapes

Apparently, such incidents are common at Holiday Inns. An  internet search for “Holiday Inn rapes” yields many examples. Here are a few.

Holiday Inn, Bakersfield, CA

Lawyers representing the Holiday Inn in Bakersfield, CA, requested dismissal of a lawsuit by a rape victim who was assaulted after the desk receptionist gave the woman’s room key to a convicted rapist. Security footage showed the perpetrator first propositioning the receptionist for sex in exchange for $100, then requesting a replacement key for what he claimed was his room. The receptionist gave him the key without questioning him. The perpetrator was later caught on surveillance footage entering the room, then leaving it with his pants around his ankles. The Holiday Inn stated that it was not at fault because the rape was “unforeseeable.”

Holiday Inn Northshore, Skokie, IL

A woman who obtained a nightcap at the Holiday Inn hotel bar in Skokie IL was later raped by a security guard who entered her room without her consent and assaulted her while she was apparently under the influence of a narcotic drug.  She woke up the next day with a dim recollection of events, and the security guard was implicated by a “rape kit match.” Although a suit was brought against the hotel owners and their management company, they failed to respond to subpoenas and no criminal charges were filed.

Holiday Inn, Lake Charles, LA

A guest at the Lake Charles Holiday Inn reported that she was raped by a security guard in her room during a sound sleep. She awoke in a haze during the night with a black male on top of her. Surveillance footage from the Holiday Inn showed the perpetrator entering the victim’s room several times throughout the night. The series of break-ins began when the guard used his master room key to assist with entry into the room.  On one occasion during the night he used an unknown tool to get in. Although the man was arrested and a $250,000 bond assigned, there was no record of legal proceedings against the Holiday Inn.

 

I rest my case.

 

 

 

PSTD in INFJ Women After Sexual Assault

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Several readers have asked whether INFJ women are more prone than other Myers-Briggs types to getting PTSD after sexual assault. The readers have themselves been victims of rape. I’d never considered this idea before, but I think they’re onto something.

In my opinion, INFJs tend to have stronger emotional reactions to events than other types. Sexual assault is a particularly damaging experience and PTSD is common among rape victims. Many suffer for months, years or even a lifetime.

Role of Myers Briggs Preferences

The combination of I, N, F and J functions in INFJs sets the stage for PTSD.

1)    Introversion causes them to isolate after an assault—the last thing a rape victim needs to do. Rape victims must have support and protection but they’re afraid to seek it.

2)    Intuition prompts INFJs to seek meaning in personal situations. In most cases of rape, this is a fruitless exercise because rapists are hostile to women in general, not one woman in particular. Most rapists have assaulted women before and they’ll do it again unless stopped by the legal system.

3)    The feeling function of INFJs often prevents them from taking an objective view of events—an admittedly difficult undertaking in cases of rape. It’s a highly personal crime.

4)    The judging function disposes INFJs to seek closure on issues. After rape, a woman wants to be vindicated and have the attacker brought to justice. This seldom comes about, and as a result there is no closure.

My Experience

On a business trip to St. Augustine, Florida, I stayed at a Holiday Inn. After working all day, I wanted to relax before retiring to my room so I went to the lounge for a gin and tonic. (I was still drinking alcohol at the time.) A hotel security guard in his fifties sat next to me at the bar. He struck up a conversation. I stayed for a second drink and then a third. Before finishing my last drink, I said, “I need to turn in. I have a busy day tomorrow.”

The guard said, “Let me escort you to your room.” I thought that at my age I hardly needed an escort—but he was, after all, a security guard. Being more polite than I am now, I consented. Gallantly he offered to carry my drink, walking behind me in the hall.

After dropping my keycard into the slot and pushing the door open, I turned to take my drink from the guard. Without warning he kissed me. Surprised and confused, I laughed nervously and said goodnight. I went into my room, shutting the door behind me, took my clothes off and got into bed.

After sleeping a short time, I heard the doorknob turning. The guard had used his passkey to enter. He walked to the bed without a word, climbed on top of me, raped me, and left. I lay there groggy and confused. The attack seemed unreal. Strangely, I fell asleep again—a fact that amazes me to this day. I think the guard may have slipped a date-rape drug in my drink while walking behind me in the hallway.

Waking at dawn I felt foggy but knew that something was terribly wrong. I ran my hands over my body and felt grease on my thighs. It looked like suntan lotion. Slowly the hazy events of the night before came back.

Feeling surreal, I threw on some clothes and walked on the beach for an hour, trying to figure out what to do. I decided to report the attack to the Holiday Inn manager. This was a mistake. It gave the manager time to cover the hotel’s tracks and alert corporate lawyers. Then I went to the police. That wasn’t much better.

Back home in Gainesville, I spent the next few weeks isolating myself, fearful and depressed. I was ill, throwing up frequently and suffering migraines. I seldom left the house, never answered the door, and rarely picked up the phone. The least noise made me jump. Finally I called a friend and told her what happened. She put me in touch with the Gainesville Rape Victim Crisis Center. They told me I had acute PTSD.

For six weeks, I attended a support group at the Crisis Center. The four other women in the group had stories as bad or worse than mine. One woman had been raped by an orderly while on a hospital gurney in an elevator. He stopped between floors to assault her, then begged her not to tell anyone because he had a wife and family. He almost persuaded her.

Reader Responses

One reader responded: “I also suffer from acute PTSD. I was curious if you were aware of your personality type before your traumatic events. I am trying to see if the PTSD changed my personality or if I have just become more self-aware and mature. I never thought about my INFJ traits compounding my PTSD.” Referring to her chronic stress syndrome, she added, “In my condition, just saying ‘hello’ or working up the courage to go outside alone again have been almost insurmountable obstacles.”

Another INFJ woman wrote, “Is there anyone out there with suggestions about how an INFJ can possibly deal with a violent assault on top of the issues assigned to us as INFJs?”

My own experience with rape makes me think that I might have recovered from my PTSD faster had I been a different Myers-Briggs type. The combination of introversion, the introspection that goes with intuitiveness, and the tendency to react to situations emotionally probably made matters more difficult. Support groups helped me deal with the trauma. I needed to recognize that I did not invite the attack. I was simply walking through someone’s gunsights.

I’m still susceptible to triggers that catch me unawares. A couple of years ago, a male acquaintance came to my house uninvited. I met him in the front yard. At least, I had the sense not to invite him in. As we were standing on the lawn, he put his arms around me. I went into my old mode of getting confused and laughing nervously. I asked him to leave because I had things to do in the house.

PTSD Symptoms

For the rest of the day, I tried to avoid dwelling on the situation. I went to dinner with a friend that night. Returning home around 9 pm, I felt a migraine starting. Then I got nauseated and threw up several times. I thought I might have food poisoning. I finally realized that my old PTSD was back, triggered by the man’s advances.

Although my symptoms were gone the next day, I was dismayed that I’d learned so little from the rape a few years earlier. I decided to see a therapist. After several sessions, I’d gained more insight into my PTSD. I could see that my defenses still needed work.

Recovery

My therapist taught me to turn my rational brain off and my primitive brain on when a man violates my boundaries. It’s important to defend myself without analyzing the situation. (I tend to overthink troubling issues.)

Fortunately, I’ve had chances to practice. Predatory men aren’t hard to find. Now, when a man puts his hands on me and makes me uncomfortable, I no longer laugh nervously or get confused. I take a deep breath and say, “Please don’t touch me.” Of course, this usually triggers a dismayed protest of innocence. Predators can be good actors. All I need to say in response is, “You heard me.” He rarely comes back for seconds.

Getting Support

Women who have been raped need support—particularly the support of other women who have undergone sexual assault. They need to realize that they are not to blame. Most of all, they need to claim their personal power and become more assertive.

As females past our teen years, we are not children. We are women with a right to be strong and free.

(Note: I haven’t written about teenage girls because it’s outside the range of my personal experience, both as a female victim and as a mental health counselor. I am convinced, however, that rape is unusually devastating for these young women. They fear exposure, shame, and the risk that people won’t believe them.)