For more than twenty years I have been fighting squirrels in my backyard. It’s a battle of wits that I’m losing.
My first efforts were naive. On the advice of friends, I bought a garden pole eight feet tall—having been assured that this would keep squirrels off. My handyman installed it outside my office window so I could enjoy the birds as I worked. Then I bought a cute birdfeeder with perches around the sides.
Within two days, the squirrels were practically waiting in line to climb the pole. After getting a short running start, they would scramble up, their momentum carrying them to the top. Sometimes it took more than one try, but soon it was a cinch. Frightened birds fluttered away.
My handyman suggested a wrap-around metal cone as a guaranteed way to repel squirrels. I had him install one near the top of the garden pole, following the manufacturer’s instructions. It worked for less than a week. After some trial and error, the squirrels found their way around the baffle by gripping the metal edges with their diabolical little feet. From there it was a short distance to the feeder.
Now I had a mission. I spent hours researching squirrel repellents. I was willing to try anything short of murder. In other words, this would be a battle of wits, not superior firepower. So far, I had spent $8.98 on a garden pole, $19.98 on a birdfeeder, and $36.95 on a metal cone. Instead of challenging the physical abilities of these little gymnasts, I thought, I’ll challenge their intelligence. With my Stanford-Binet scores, I should have no problem.
I searched on Amazon.com until I found a “Perky-Pet 336 Squirrel-Be-Gone Wild Bird Feeder” for $17.99. It featured six feeding ports with perches and a mechanism that closed access to the ports under the weight of a squirrel. My smugness was short-lived. The squirrels hung upside down on the feeder and never touched the perches. Sayonara $17.99 plus shipping.
Necessity is the Mother of Invention
Time to be creative, I thought. Why not remove the metal cone and grease the pole with Vaseline? My effort was good for entertainment but not much else. On the first few attempts, the squirrels managed to make it halfway up the pole, then slid to the bottom like cartoon characters. Oh, joy! After that, they got a better running start and improved their strategy. Eventually, they rubbed off enough Vaseline to succeed.
My next idea was to drive them away with noise. I took a set of brass wind chimes apart with clippers and wired the chimes, one by one, to the bottom of the feeder. I hung the feeder below the eaves of the house, making access only a short jump away. When a squirrel hit the feeder, he’d be greeted with a mighty clang, be frightened out of his wits, and never come back.
The result was humbling. I was in the house doing dishes when I heard the chimes. Putting the last dish in the drainer, I dried my hands off and prepared to go outside and gloat. Then I heard a combination of a clang and a thunk, almost like a brass chime falling on the ground. Then two more. A squirrel had chewed the wires loose so the chimes did indeed fall to the ground.
Ready, Aim, Fire
My most recent attempt involved buying a water bazooka, loading it, and keeping it next to my desk. I didn’t have to wait long. As a squirrel fed on my sunflower seeds, I opened my office window quietly, took aim, and fired. The bazooka leaked all over my desk and soaked my smartphone.