INFJ Women as Lovers

The INFJ female is an intense, passionate woman. She is drawn to the opposite sex, but few of them turn out to be long-term partners because they’re the wrong type. Still, the woman keeps trying. If she finally meets a man with a compatible personality and finds him moderately attractive, the connection usually strengthens.

The INFJ woman is compassionate, intelligent, and creative. While she longs for a perfect relationship, she seldom achieves her goal. Because of her adventurous, passionate nature. she keeps getting sidetracked by the wrong kind of man. The woman who has the patience and maturity to wait until the right man comes along is much more likely to find the match she seeks.  Paradoxically, more often than not, it’s the man who finds her, not the other way around. When that finally happens—if it does—it’s up to the INFJ woman to respond and nourish the relationship.

The odds of finding an INFJ woman are small—sad but true. That’s because INFJs comprise only 1 percent of the population. Consequently, she finds reasons to get out and appear in places where the odds are more promising. If she’s out there, just by herself, the chances are that the right man will find her if there’s one around.

A man who initiates a relationship with an INFJ woman soon learns if his feelings are reciprocated. The woman picks up every nuance and shift in his mood. Sometimes he has the uneasy feeling that she can read his mind.

She’s an attentive lover who isn’t satisfied until she can give as much love as she receives. To her, lovemaking is more than a physical event. It’s a mystical experience, worthy of her fullest attention and skill. She loses interest in men whose lovemaking is routine and rapid.

The right man need not fear that his INFJ woman will leave him on an impulse. She’s loyal and steadfast. In fact, she’s sometimes too loyal, tending to give her heart to a man long after the relationship shows signs of deteriorating.  When this happens, she struggles with herself. Once she makes the decision that things are going nowhere, she severs ties quickly and moves on. She’s not the type to go through a series of arguments or pleas. That’s not her style. She’ll just announce quietly that it’s time for her to leave.

An INFJ relationship that stands the test of time can go on for years—for a lifetime, in fact. She gives the man thoughtful gifts, compliments and favors. She aims to please. Responding in kind isn’t necessary, although she appreciates it. The INFJ woman is satisfied with her ability to make him happy.

Other men are likely to be attracted to an INFJ woman. She may or may not notice. She’s hard to resist because all her good qualities make her attractive. Her partner needn’t worry about her being fickle, however. She’ll be loyal—under one condition. The man must return her love, show his devotion, and make her feel treasured. Above all, he should never make lovemaking a hurried event. It deserves all his skill and attention. She’ll appreciate this more than anything else he can do. If she starts showing a desire to wander, it’s probably because he hasn’t fulfilled his end of the bargain.

Do’s and Don’ts

When courting an INFJ woman, men should keep several pointers in mind:

  • Don’t talk about cars, sporting events, politics, or money, unless one of these topics interests her particularly. In general, she enjoys the simple, straightforward experiences in life. She’s interested in things that feed her curiosity and broad intelligence, that engage her emotions as well as her intellect.
  • Leave your android or iPhone in your car or inside pocket. She hates competing with handheld devices. If you’ll notice, hers is put away somewhere and she devotes all her attention to you.
  • Don’t flirt with other women. Keep your attention from wandering, at least where she can detect it. Otherwise, she’ll assume you are fickle and undependable.
  • Don’t introduce the subject of the new relationship in terms that indicate you don’t want to get serious. This indicates to her that you’re unreliable and don’t find her attractive enough to merit further consideration.
  • Don’t press her to attend events where there are crowds of people, at least not at first. Cocktail parties and crowded pop concerts are examples. Remember, she’s an introvert.
  • Don’t brag about expensive places you could take her. She doesn’t care about money. Rather, find intimate, reassuring settings that are in good taste but not exceedingly pricey. Imply that it’s her company you value, not the experience of eating in a prestigious restaurant.
  • If the relationship blossoms during sexual intimacy, take your time at foreplay. Tease and tempt her to make some moves of her own. Nothing turns a woman on more than a man with a slow hand. Don’t let any of your moves come as a surprise to her. Allot plenty of time for lovemaking—at least an hour.
  • Learn how to kiss, slowly and tentatively at first. No tongue, please. If you could listen to women complaining to each other about bad kissers, this is one of the first resentments you’ll hear. When the woman initiates French kissing, it’s OK to respond in kind, but slowly, tentatively.
  • Don’t lie to her about anything, even little things. She’ll pick up on it, and your relationship will suffer from then on. It takes a lot of work and compassion to repair the damage done by even small deceits. An INFJ woman needs to trust you.
  • Don’t pressure her to reveal her innermost secrets. She’ll start to share them with you when she’s ready and believes she can trust you completely. If the relationship is solid, eventually she’ll tell you everything.

Of all sixteen types, the INFJ has the greatest store of love and compassion to give in a relationship. If you find an INFJ woman, treasure her. She’s one in a hundred.

35 replies
  1. Richa says:

    Thanks for the informative article. I am an INFJ woman and still waiting for my twin soul to appear in my life but I doubt if he will live upto my expectations as people always disappoint me and misunderstand me. I have never felt understood all my life. People assume alot about me but do not get me. I am probably too subtle and weird to ever feel understood. My powerful and uncanny sixth sense helps me understand others but no one seems to understand me. All have failed… family and friends. I feel like it’s a curse being such a rare personality. Haven’t seen any benefits of it except that I understand when people try to manipulate me or are fake.

    • Johanna says:

      Same here, Richa. Even this post doesn’t seem to be totally spot on but a good try. However I was incredibly lucky to find an INFJ man who is my perfect match. We are 10 years married now and it’s incredible to have a partner that gets me and has so much in common. I truly hope you find that too.

        • Pika says:

          I’m an INFJ-T too it’s been very difficult for me to find someone who really gets me and accepts me. I actually go into depressions frequently because of this. And when I’m not in my depressions I just feel numb as if there’s a void in me that wants to be filled.

          • Stacie says:

            I am an INFJ as well and they say the ENTP is our most suitable match. My best friend, and essentially a man I do have love for is an ENTP, but we would kill eachother if ever having to live together. He is the very description of an ENTP Selfish, truly does not care about your feelings or how he makes you feel, they very much find people disposable who do not entertain them, loves to argue, can not commit, refuses to say words that express he cares about you, looks at other woman.Pretty much my worst nightmare. I Love him dearly, but we would never make it as a couple. He voids everything I need in a man.We tend to take breaks from talking because he is so overly rude at times and aggressive that I need a break. On the other hand, a year ago I met a man who was instantly everything I wanted, everything I clicked with. I just found out he to is an INFJ. I feel like it is such a good match, I feel its the only person who will ever understand you because they feel as deeply as you do and looked just as perplexed at the world and their lack of feeling.

        • Hans says:

          The guy you know is an asshole,and they come in all types. You can’t make a statement about one that you know,and apply it to all- that is asshole behavior as well. I knew an INFJ woman who was the worst bitch I ever knew…

    • Theresa Jones says:

      Fakers and liars urk me to the deepest depths of my core. Even worse is wen u bust them out they try to produce false reasoning of how and y they not fake or was forced to lie bc of my intimidating expectations.

    • Raj says:

      I am an INFJ man and i just came in contact with INFJ woman and we can just understand eachothers thought process and we love to share our Vivid imagination. It’s feels like now I have found someone who gets me what I am otherwise i used to feel that no one ever will understand me. It’s a blessing to be with an INFJ and sharing things with them. It’s like homecoming

      Raj…An INFJ Man..

      • Stacie says:

        Raj, That is fantastic! I am an INFJ as well and found someone whom it just makes sense and is so easy to be with and understand. He to is an INFJ. I feel like the pairing is so good its almost unbelievable. Im so very happy for you that you found someone who gets you. Its that warm blanket after a long day to go home to. Congrats!

        • raj says:

          Hi Stacie,
          Your last line is so true. When we feel totally burn out and feel tiredness of diffrent kind then our INFJ mate is our own sanity and sheer presence of them give us that strength and peace. Only an INFJ can understand these feelings in its true sense. I am also happy for you that you have found your INFJ mate because it’s so rare. Just takecare of eachother. God bless you both. Just live every moment and feel it…

    • Chris says:

      My 21 year old daughter is infj. When I read your entry, it sounded just like her. I understand how you feel. Don’t give up!

    • Teresa G Strong says:

      OMG we are soul sisters. I could have written that myself. I have never found anyone who “gets me”.. now I know why. We wait.. patiently. I have found an INTP man. Hoping for the best.

    • Deidra Warren says:

      I got emotional reading this because this is exactly how I feel. I have never felt understood my entire life and I have isolated myself from everyone because of it. I honestly thought something was wrong with me until I came across personality types and stumbled across this comment. Thank you so much.

    • Samantha says:

      I understand that totally. I’m an INFJ Empath female and dear God do I wish everyone will eventually know me!

    • Melissa says:

      As an Infj female, I married someone who I believe is an INTP with a very strong feeling function. He is perfection for me! He understands me as much as anyone can, loves me unconditionally, respects my need for alone time while making me feel loved all of the time. Because we are both extroverted introverts who work a lot, we generally need time to decompress at the end of the day. We call it “being alone together.” This includes a recap of our day and dinner, followed by some TV watching and game playing, as well as some foot rubbing, most of which is done with minimal conversation. There’s no pressure to keep the conversation going, but there’s also no problem having a conversation. We both love learning, and have learned a lot from each other…it’s pretty fantastic!

  2. Judy Pfaff says:

    I am an INFJ and I don’t suffer fools lightly. I took the MB test in college and put it aside for years. A friend pushed me to find it. I was amazed at how it described me. It would be great to meet with another INFJ.
    I enjoyed your Blog.

  3. Anand Choudhury says:

    Anand..INFJ Male here. I had been in a relationship (not physical) with an INFJ woman when I used to work in a PSU bank 5 years back, she used to be my colleague. In 2015 we didn’t know we were INFJ(haha), just recently we came to know. Still to this day I relieve those best moments of my life, which I am hardly sure if I can get them back. Within a month we fell in love mutually, that too it was really a passionate unconditional relationship, I can’t say enough how much happy we both used to be when we were together. All the things turned out so naturally that we felt as if we were the estranged lovers during our previous birth. But fate had written something else for us. She got married to someone else & I am still heart-broken till this day, reliving those thoughts and olden days every now and then. I wish if I can get an INFJ girl like how you described in this post. My ex was exactly like this as you explained.

    • beaconadmin says:

      Dear Anand: 

      I was touched and saddened by your post regarding a previous INFJ relationship. A couple of years ago I unwittingly launched a whole series of posts and comments on the topic with a post titled “It’s Hard To Be an INFJ.”Unfortunately that remains as true today as it was years ago.  

      With the INFJ type making up only 1% of the population, it’s no wonder we have such a hard time being understood by others. Or finding otherINFJs! The only cure, if it can be called a cure, is to get out there and mingle with others a lot—and to take risks in our relationships. I met a lot of INFJs who took a while to recognize the presence of other INFJs in their lives.  

      Understanding Myers-Briggs typology helps, however, and I recommend two books for you: 1) TypeTalk: The 16 Personality Types That Determine How We Live, love, and Work by Kroeger and Theusen, and 2) Life Types:Understand Yourself and Make the Most of Who You Are by Hirsh and Kummerow. They’re both quite old texts, but serve as excellent references and are easy-reading. 

      Best of luck in your search!

    • Raj says:

      Hi Anand,
      This is raj,an INFJ. I can understand and feel what you went through but just believe me you will find a way out of these and you will meet right people sooner or later. You have to just takecare of yourself and start working on living in the moment. Learn a new art or start writing if you like.
      Takecare of yourself,

  4. Your friendly neighbor non-binary homosapien says:

    “She is drawn to the opposite sex”, mayhaps I busted a lung there in panromantic. But why is this article defaulting INFJs as hetero it’s kinda annoying to see heteronormativity everywhere. Y’all I had hope in you boomers but you all just countinue to disappoint me.

    “Finds him moderately attractive”, mayhaps I busted my other lung in asexual. I think I have lost all hope.

    • Talia says:

      Couldn’t agree with you more. As a fellow INFJ and lesbian, it’s just kind of jarring seeing that first sentence being so blatantly…exclusive? If i may call it that. Lmao not all women are straight.

  5. Prashanth says:

    Hi all, following the thread. I am an INFP man and felt that INFJ woman will the hearts of INFP’s. So need some advice, I recently met an INFJ woman online and feels like she is perfect match. As i said i met her online, i don’t know how to make a move to talk to her and know more about her interest in me. We are chatting, the subjects we like to share are books, spirituality and coping skills in the world of extroverts. I m confused, how to approach her in a subtle way to express. Any suggestions welcome. Thank You.

    • beaconadmin says:

      Dear Prasanth,

      Some of the language you used in your post to me would be perfect in an email message to her or chatting session, I believe.

      “From our conversations so far, I think you and I would make a perfect match. As a result, I’d like to talk with you to get to know you better. Would you be open to this? We certainly share many of the same interests! Please let me know what you think.”

      Since she is an INFJ—an extremely rare type—she is probably just as shy and wary of rejection as you are and will need some encouragement before she ventures forward.

      Best of luck,



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