INFJ Meets ENTJ
INFJs and ENTJs are on the same wavelength in many ways. They enjoy spending time together and sharing creative, stimulating conversations. Superficial topics bore them. Both have excellent intuition and can size people up accurately on short acquaintance. They share the ability to comprehend complex situations that baffle others.
While the two types can become close friends, INFJs should be mindful of the ENTJ’s rough edges. This type can be blunt, with little tolerance for mistakes. Sometimes their tempers flare because they don’t recognize the effect on others. As the ENTJ’s friend you may take offense at some of his or her remarks. Refusing to engage in an argument is the most effective way to deal with this.
ENTJs have a high regard for their own positions. INFJs must be the ones to establish limits in the relationship, firmly but tactfully setting their boundaries. Most ENTJs have sharp enough intuition to recognize the need for tact if they want to keep the INFJ’s friendship.
Because ENTJs can be so intimidating, many people hesitate to be open and honest with them. This deprives ENTJs of important information. Surprisingly, they respond best to those who stand up to them quietly but firmly. ENTJs have little regard for people they can push around. Eventually, most friends and co-workers learn that the ENTJ’s bark is worse than his or her bite.
While ENTJs may seem like pillars of strength, most have a sentimental side that they try to conceal. They believe that emotional displays are a sign of weakness. When ENTJs are sad or worried, they seldom talk about it. Sensitive INFJs can usually pick up on their troubled feelings and offer compassion while not intruding with solutions.
The major difference between INFJs and ENTJs lies in their need to influence or control others. INFJs lack the ENTJ’s leadership drive. In a work setting this need not be a liability, because the INFJ is comfortable letting the ENTJ take charge as long as the two parties agree on objectives. INFJs don’t have the same ego investment in running the show. They like credit if it’s due, but they won’t ask for more than their share. At home, the issue of control may become troublesome. The INFJ is likely to tire of the ENTJ’s tendency to micromanage and, when things don’t go as planned, to lose his or her temper.
Falling in Love
ENTJs are usually drawn to attractive partners. This preference is a reflection of their high standards. Most ENTJ men prefer beautiful women and most ENTJ women like handsome, confident men. To get along with an ENTJ in a relationship, an INFJ needs a well-developed sense of self. It helps to have a sense of humor.
If you’re an INFJ man, you may find ENTJ women intimidating. They are hard for many men to accept. In fact, women of this personality type can be quite nurturing and caring. Their femininity isn’t expressed in traditional ways. When their confrontational style surfaces, the most effective way to avoid conflict is to deflect arguments with humor and good will.
The partners of ENTJs will find themselves on their own much of the time. An INFJ shouldn’t expect to take top priority in the partnership. While it may seem possible at first, it won’t last. The INFJ will be expected to fit into the partner’s ambitions. Some of the INFJ’s intimacy needs will have to be met by family and friends. Otherwise, the INFJ is likely to feel emotionally short-changed.
ENTJs tend to see their partners as extensions of themselves –as supportive characters in their life scripts. They expect them to honor their commitments and respect the ENTJ’s need for autonomy. Failure to do so will make the ENTJ angry.
Family Life
ENTJs and INFJs share a love of family life. They invest themselves fully in their children, see that they get a good education, and emphasize responsible behavior. As conscientious parents, they make sure their children do their homework and sign up for extracurricular activities.
Friction can arise between the parents when the ENTJ parent takes charge too much. ENTJs prefer a domestic autocracy, with them at the head. An INFJ entering a long-term relationship with an ENTJ, including plans for marriage and children, should have a strong self-image and be able to set clear boundaries.
An ENTJ’s family can expect to have their playtime and vacations structured. The children won’t be encouraged to lie on the beach doing nothing. ENTJs don’t approve of pursuits that have no goal. In their view, leisure activities should be productive. Not only that, it’s preferable that they be scheduled. INFJ partners are likely to share this view to some extent, but they’re less intense about it.
Work
ENTJs are career-focused and fit well into corporate life. They’re quick to solve problems and have an uncanny sense of where business decisions will lead. They aspire to leadership roles and enjoy competition.
INFJs share the ENTJ’s gifts of highly developed intuition and creativity, but they aren’t interested in the power needed to run things. Because they find conflict unpleasant, it’s hard for them to be forceful. Also, they treasure their private time too much to participate fully in the social aspects of business.
In business settings, the two types complement each other. INFJs make good advisors to ENTJs. INFJs have the social sensitivity needed to help ENTJs avoid problems in the workplace that might result from heavy-handed decisions. They can express their hesitation about the wisdom of an ENTJ’s decision and have their opinions respected. By complementing the ENTJ in this way, the INFJ acts as an effective buffer.
Famous Examples
Eleanor Roosevelt, an INFJ and the wife of U.S. President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, was a renowned humanitarian and U.S. Peace Ambassador. Margaret Thatcher, an ENTJ, was the first female Prime Minister of Great Britain.
Having apparently lived in a cave for the past 60 years, I have just taken an online test for temperment type and found that I am operating as an INFJ.
It feels as though the description of an INFJ was written by a fly on the wall observing in my home. My Mensa member husband and I have a deeply loving and also INTENSE marriage of 42 years. I beleive he is also an INFJ.
Enjoy your postings immensely and am sucking up this information like a dry desert in a rainstorm. So insightful and helpful.
Linda,
Loved your post. Love your humor. Thanks.
BC
Very interesting article. It reminds me one of my friend who is ENTJ, and I am INFJ. At first (and as always), I really admire his courage, fast reaction and his ability to think. I can tolerate his ego as well because I like to be humble. But as time goes on, I gradually realize our difference: he seems to purely enjoy crushing/dominating other people, looking for confrontation rather than preventing it, manipulating people if necessary to achieve his goal, and he is much less sensitive to other’s suffering. These are the things that I cannot morally accept. At first, I tried to use some respectful sayings to hint him several times. But I found it had no effect. So, I decided to back off and hope one day he will realize respecting people may help his “efficiency”, winning other people’s respect rather than fear.
This is a great shame, the withdrawal. You should have come and spoken to him directly. I have an INFJ boyfriend, and I love him, but only I know how much work it takes for me to figure out what he wants or why he suddenly went quiet. Apparently he gives me signals that I constantly miss. Once we almost broke up (and we love each other) because he wouldnt make it clear that he wanted to move in together. I thought he valued his place for quiet time he gets. Your friend is not a selfish ass. ENTJs have great sentimental streaks and are very loyal. He just doesnt understand you.
While I agree that ENTJs do need to be stood upto and approached directly with an issue before calling it quits, I do have to say my particular ENTJ just doesn’t make me feel like I should try anymore!
Unfortunately, the trait that seems predominant in his case is the temper tantrum if what I say or need doesn’t match his expectations. This leads to only two options- either I stay and fight it out (which INFJs hate) or simply keep mum and back off (which basically means I’m slowly withdrawing from the relationship) Sigh. I hope the more understanding ENTJs can read this and maybe it helps in someone in some small way. For now, I’m almost ready to give up. 🙁
Sounds tough. The only third alternative I can see is to not pick up on the issue of the day with your ENTJ, but face the real issue–which is that the relationship isn’t making you feel worthwhile and cherished, and that something BIG must change if you’re to continue.
I am an ENTJ and I am a female.. I think the latter contributes to my being a little more patient and understanding of others than the our profiles suggests or than the way others perceive us to be. Nevertheless I certainly think the same and I’d like to advise you or anyone else who has difficulty communicating with an ENTJ. First don’t think about being sensitive or indirect in order to preserve feelings they way you would have to be for other personality types.. (but this does not mean you should be rude or cutting) the ENTJ’s style of communicating is direct and anything otherwise can be confusing or even completely misunderstood. Speak to an ENTJ openly and straight forward.. And if it’s something you feel strongly about or something you’re standing up for, being firm, even blunt at times is respected. As an INFJ this may be extremely uncomfortable to do, but this approach will really get through to your ENTJ counterpart. Make the effort not to get emotionally charged when doing this.. Get your matters accross calmly but firmly and you’ll see a difference in the way an ENTJ understands and responds to you.
Wow this was eye opening. Just explained why me and my honey butt heads.
My fiance is an ENTJ and we have been fighting a lot lately. Unlike most INFJ’s- I am very open with my thoughts and feelings and am a very good communicator. Me and my honey really only butt heads when it comes to my emotionality/ sensitivity and his need to control and work. His lack of empathy and stubbornness can really cause problems–paired with my attachment to my “vision” in part with my “grip experiences”/ sensitivity— once his temper and impatience is set off– it can become a really bad cycle where he is furious and I’m crying because I just want to be heard, and he just wants control.
The only thing that helps this is if I really assert that we MUST communicate and work as a team- as well as advocate for myself, my needs and the validity of my feelings/thoughts. He will convince me till he is blue in the face that I am the source of the problem- all sensitive and emotional. I get it, they aren’t emotional, but WE are and these two types must learn to find middle ground or this or the INFJ gets steam rolled and the ENTJ becomes an angry person.
I believe that we can better each other- that he can make me stronger and manifest things that I tend to sit on. I also believe that I am meant to make him more compassionate and kind. I don’t think anyone ever stood up to him before me- and I know he is discovering how he says and acts can come off as harsh and unkind– but he is so stubborn that it is hard to get through to him. Really- appealing to his sentimental side, trying to be rational, and triggering his desire to be a team (which they love) has been the only thing that breaks this dynamic.
We have great chemistry and in some ways have a lot of common ground. But there are definitely dynamics from our traits that create problems,
Best of luck to everyone!
In response to your first statement: Actually, most of us INTJs are incredibly good communicators. In fact, we are especially good in writing, which is why many of us choose that career path. Many people confuse “introvert” with “shy” or not being social or good at socializing. This is not true. Introvert refers to the fact that recharging our energy comes from quiet solitude. For example, I go out for a night of partying and it is draining: It takes me a couple days of quiet alone time to recharge before going out and socializing again…
Matt,
I can’t find the statement you’re referring to about INTJs and communications skills, but I agree with everything in your post. I think your comment about partying hard and then being worn out for days afterward is especially insightful.
BC
You people (INFJs) are not direct enough. Had my amazing boyfriend been more direct with me, it would be honeymoon all the time! Why can’t you just be clear. You are not going to hurt anybody. Honesty and truth don’t hurt. Even criticism doesnt if it’s constructive. How can someone not be able to tell their loved one that they want to move in together! Am I supposed to guess it, that now it’s the time? I’m busy, so it took me 3 long weeks of drama to figure it out!
You have just described my relationship with my husband as well. I agree with everything you have said here. Very wise advice as well on how to handle them. Thank you.
Thanks. If a woman can get some emotional distance from these guys, they’re a hoot!
BC
It’s so nice to read all of your comments because all of them resonate on some level. My husband is an ENTJ and I am an INFJ. I express myself better in writing and I despise conflict. I feel like he bulldozes me, throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his own way, doesn’t understand something or things don’t go as planned and OMG – the yelling! Not all the time, of course, only when we have a disagreement (or he’s chucking a tantrum about something like “my socks don’t match” – oh lord). He is also unbearably insensitive at times which I just don’t get (not only to me but to everyone). I sometimes cringe at the way he speaks to our friends or family. EEEK. This (as Matt said) is exactly how I feel “Introvert refers to the fact that recharging our energy comes from quiet solitude”. Most of the time, I would rather be alone, hate crowds and don’t understand his constant need for approval and attention from others. To me, that’s a bit weak because it highlights a lack of something deep within yourself. This is so helpful because it has made me see that I shut down, go into my shell and refuse to talk about something in case I may be “bullied” but in actual fact that is what makes him feel shut out. Hmmm…a lot of food thought. I still wish I could live on a mountain top with only animals for company, though! Ahhh…
If your post weren’t so refreshing, I’d say it sounds typical. Like many other INFJs, you write well! I laughed about the socks not matching.
This is all very interesting. I’m realizing my ex sounds like she was ENTJ as well. I’m a male INFJ and perhaps this isn’t spoken of as much. She was extremely abusive. What got me looking into INFJ and ENTJ compatibility is a new girl I’m talking to.
Laughing @KIM with the socks and also smh. Stupid things that were no reason for argument would be argued about. I hate confrontation and deal with relationship issues with love, understanding, empathy, and sensitivity. She, instead, knowing that yelling and fighting bothered me would go all out on me for no reason. Half the time I couldn’t figure out what we were even arguing about to begin with. My request for time to self-reflect and try to understand where she was coming from (without her ever even attempting to see things from my point of view) were shot down and I was told I was just giving up and abandoning her.
I deal better with writing my feelings out on paper. It allows me to sort things and when I get it down on paper it can be lethal if it’s deserving. That’s not my intention but I feel like a sleeping dragon at times that keeps getting poked with a hot iron. I could wake up at anytime and breathe fire and kill everyone around me but I don’t nor do I care to. But when poked enough I can list everything in chronological order and branch off into full on explanations, relations, and how this is impacting ME. In fact, now I’m thinking that this is the first and best way to reflect on a relationship and determine whether it’s a one way street or a two way. She started questioning my memory and would tell me I said or did or forgot something(for ex. a few days ago or last week) but never gave exact examples. She would constantly accuse me of lying and I had nothing to lie about. Eventually I was walking on so many eggshells I’d find myself lying just to avoid further prosecution. Anything to get her to calm down. Once she got so angry she got up in my face and slammed the side of my head really hard. So her mental abuse which to me is even worse than physical had actually started becoming physical. She got locked up for a few months for something she did before she met me and I wrote her at first every day and then at least 3 or 4 times a week. Funny how the only way the relationship worked was when she was in jail and forced to read my words or no more food packs/books/visits/etc for her(no, I didn’t threaten to not care for her but she knew she had to pretend to work through things and care or else I would leave, hell, I should’ve left). She was in there for 6 months while I worked my ass off and after she got out she started in after day 2 with my lying again and her telling me I needed to get mental help etc. I had to admit to being crazy just to give into her game and use it against her as an excuse to leave the relationship. In addition, that night I also had to endure another 2 hours of her calling me every name, and putting me down, etc. If I’d tell her how that’s really nice to keep putting me down, she didn’t care or it would make her worse so I was forced to put up with it in order to get out. I found out later that she was gaslighting me. Look it up. That’s why I’m sharing my experience is in the hopes of helping others recognize this. One of the biggest signs you’re being gaslighted is if you find yourself constantly apologizing and saying sorry because you’re yelled at and criticized for everything or maybe because your self-confidence and self-worth are being destroyed little by little.
In all fairness, I’d like to say that I’m not saying all ENTJs are like this but from reading about others experiences it seems they usually throw temper tantrums like kids. Perhaps they never evolved past this thinking from an early age because if anyone got in their way they’d beat them up or something. Idk, but I’m rethinking having another slave driver. Just my 2 cents.
Your girlfriend sounds over the top. Your wrote, “I hate confrontation and deal with relationship issues with love, understanding, empathy, and sensitivity.” Spoken like a true INFJ. ENTJs enjoy being in control, even over small issues. When the issues get bigger, the ante goes up.
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You wrote, “I deal better with writing my feelings out on paper. It allows me to sort things and when I get it down on paper it can be lethal if it’s deserving.” Your mind appears to be clear as a bell when you write things down. There everything is, plain as day. You look at what you’ve written and you can’t avoid the truth.
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While your girlfriend was in jail, you wrote to her several times a week, with your good INFJ heart full of idealism. You hoped for something better than all evidence suggested that you had. The trouble is, the idealism was mostly on your side. Your girlriend couldn’t very well run the show from jail so she was a little more tractable.
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True, not all ENTJs are like your girlfriend, but they’re usually a challenge no matter how nice they are. They look out for Number One and like to run the show. Other people are expected to make all the adjustments.
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I suggest that you make your next girlfriend take the Myers Briggs test and then look up her type. My advice would be to steer clear of ENTJs and ISTJs. Approach all ST types with caution. (The official test will be up on this website in a few weeks.)
.
BC
Wow I can’t believe your advice is to avoid all entjs! That’s like saying oh you had a bad relationship with a Chinese person, avoid all Chinese people! I’m an entj female and I like to think that I’m a fully rounded entj. The problem is if you are a damaged entj, the same with all the types, if you are damaged your weaknesses become your main characteristics. We all need to work on ourselves and our flaws! I’m in a relationship with an infj male and when we disagree on things it’s normally over something stupid so instead of reacting to this… I let it slide and try to find out what the real problem is through asking is he happy etc unfortunately entjs don’t pick up on feelings and Infjs don’t like to bring up conflict! The trick is the two types have to learn how to communicate better and get out of their comfort zone.
Sam,
I gather that your comment was a reaction to my response to Josh (INFJ), in which I gave advice regrading his ENTJ girfiriend (currently in jail). In summary, I advised him to steer clear of ENTJs and ISTJs” and to “approach all ST types with caution.” True, this advice seems a little harsh, but the realities of a person’s type, warts and all, tend to emerge over time, not during the first flush of romance. I must confess that my advice is colored partly by a lifetime (60+ years) of dealing with certain Myers-Briggs types and getting pretty consistent outcomes.
Barb C
Sorry that you’ve had such a bad experience with entjs! Please don’t give up on us because if you find a rounded out entj and start a relationship with them you will see they are so loyal and loving to people who they truly care for. I don’t like to give up on certain types…for some reason I’m drawn to enfps as friends whether men or women but every female enfp woman friend I’ve had has always had some kind of mental breakdown which as a t scares me. I feel like I shouldn’t invest in them but then I remind myself not to give up on types because the good times can be amazing!
Hi sam
Just read your post and was absolutely happy to hear that things are working out between yo guys. I must say it’s not an easy relationship considering the gender roles issues. I would love to know if you guys are still together and if yes maybe you could give me some updates..
I can’t understand how people put up with entjs controlling behaviour. I would be patient for a while and give them back hard. I’m a pretty fiery infj and no – no one is allowed to walk over me, not even my estj dad. People need to respect other people, if they don’t they’re in for trouble. I’m usually a nice person but there is a sleeping dragon underneath my innocent looks.
Personally, I can work with ENTJs because I watch my boundaries. Living with one? I’m too intense and independent.
BC
Ironically, your standing up and fighting back is respectable to an ENTJ.. They admire people with a backbone! Just don’t try to fight them simply because they have a strong personality.. That isn’t appreciated, and you won’t win.
Ironically, your standing up and fighting back is respectable to an ENTJ.. They admire people who can be assertive.. Just don’t try to fight them simply because they have a strong personality.. That isn’t appreciated, and you won’t win.
I’m an ENTJ woman with an INFJ boyfriend. We work together. He’s a better planner and forecaster, and I’m a better doer. He’s good about calling me out on my crap. (I play it a bit fast and loose, and he plays by the rules.) I’m glad he says something, even though I feel stung by his disapproval. I take his criticism as a sign of love.
It works because we’re both mature successful people, and not terribly insecure. Both of us are from sweet families and were loved and hugged a lot as children. We’re both the oldest child in our families and I think that helps. I need him for his tenderness, integrity and reliability. He needs me to be expressive, smart and independent.
I thank God he took the risk to tell me he loved me. I’m 100% happy with him. I love being close to him — but I also give him a lot of space for downtime.
There’s nothing much to add to your beautiful post.
BC
Beautiful!! (of course I’m an inFFFFj :-))
I am a ENTj woman too and I thank you for your post. People must stop thinking we are freaky controlling b*****. I may seem really confident but I actually have issue with my feelings and don’t know how to deal with them. For me if no one confronts me, it means I’m right or that people agree. But I like learning new things so much that being wrong is not a problem. But I want people to tell me because I won’t be able to tell it from their face or behaviour…
I try my best to learn how to recognize other’s feelings because my empathy is not naturally well developed. That’s why I love people with Feeling and also Introverts. Because they work in a different way than me, I can learn from them. They know how to deal with what is my deepest weakness and I respect them so much for that. So please don’t run away from ENTJ! Just show us your world!
Thank you for sharing.
Lovely post!
I am an INFJ female and my boyfriend is an ENTJ and we work together just swimmingly (so far at least, 2 years in). He is particularly affectionate, though, physically and verbally, (sounds like not all ENTJs are like this) which feeds my need for intimacy, and we thrive with our deep discussions and big-picture perspectives.
He appreciates me for my insight, and when I point out times he sounds cold or condescending he is open to reflecting and changing. I appreciate his energy, confidence, and constant need for stimulating experiences…it keeps it interesting, never stagnant.
We are both incredibly organized and function like a well-oiled machine around the house and we never have an issue with workload balance. Don’t get me started on our joint vacation itineraries and spreadsheets…(but really, lol).
I get that he may not be able to fully support or have patience for (though he wants to and tries) the depth of my emotional ponderings, but my other close friends and therapist provide the outlet that I need in that regard.
He is the oldest and I am the baby in our respective families, but somehow I don’t get steamrolled by his commanding presence. My ability to adapt, and his ability to pay attention and hear me when I need him to, allows us to communicate and function very well together.
I agree and think maturity is key!
My boyfriend is an ENTJ and I’m an INFJ – we have to put in a lot effort and time into our relationship however it is so worth it!
Dear Brigitte,
If anyone can accommodate to a true ENTJ, it’s probably the INFJ or INFP type. Over time, most partners of ENTJs realize that compromise and tact are not the long suits of this type.
Hats off to you for your continued efforts to keep your relationship healthy.
BC
I’m an INFJ male and I think that an ENTJ female is interested in me. I’m a more Ti-oriented INFJ and at work I do my best to try and present a competent, professional attitude, regularly using Ti logic to come up with solutions to help people but as a result i’m a little more emotionally repressed and quiet than your average INFJ. She is very business/ceo-like and always set firm boundaries with the clients letting them know exactly where she stands and only giving them limited negotiating power and she has a lot of enemies because most people cannot handle her assertiveness and persistence, but she takes on a heroic amount of tasks so is always super busy. I was actually her subordinate at one point and she always treated me with respect and we would formulate objectives together, with her giving me the autonomy to both choose my objectives and how to accomplish them — and in return when I would finish a task, i’d look at what she’s doing and offer to take some load off of her. As I have a tendency to think out loud, such as ‘hmm, i wonder if i do x if y will happen…’ she would immediately stop what she’s doing, face her chair towards mine and focus her full attention on me to explain things in great detail. It got to the point where I wouldn’t want to think out loud as much because I know it would be taking her away from her tasks. One time, I was facing some scrutiny about something from our board of directors (not much scrutiny, mind) and made a move to take responsibility but she just jumped right in and started sticking up for me. I think she’s dropped some hints at a special interest in me when she constantly moves into my bubble like its not even there and sometimes we end up touching skin or being mere centimeters from each other to the point where I can feel her radiant body heat. She lets her guard down around me and I can always see the most minute variations in her emotions which she makes no efforts to conceal. One time I went to her house to get some files and she said something like ‘i’ll just be here at home, alone’. We no longer have a supervisor/subordinate working relationship, but one time she came to my office to transact business and she actually started helping me a bit with something I was working on. Later she sent me a text saying that she has faith in me and if I ever have any questions that I can call her at any time (blushing smiley face). In other words, it’s completely opposite to how you would expect an ENTJ to act around any normal person.