Procrastination: An Equal Opportunity Trait

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A key element of time management relates to procrastination—putting off until tomorrow the things you could do today. Everyone procrastinates. Sometimes we get the impression that it’s the Perceivers who are most guilty—with their laid-back, flexible approach to life and their tendency to be late for deadlines, etc. Not so. There are ways and times when all types put off tasks.

The Eight Types

Extraverts

Extraverts procrastinate when something needs to be done that requires privacy and time for reflection. An extraverted student may find it difficult to study a sociology assignment, which requires thoughtful perusal of the course text and time alone to study. They may also put off preparation of documents that require careful thought. They’d rather meet friends and postpone the assignment.

Introverts

Since Introverts dislike group activities—particularly speaking before a group—they’ll do what they can to get out of it or put it off to the last possible minute. This is true of participation in group activities, too. They favor the company of only one or two friends and are reluctant to sign up for groups.

Intuitives

Intuitives put off tasks that require their Sensing trait. Sitting down to collect data and then assembling it in a report is the last thing they want to do. Yearly taxes are a good example. Sensing types dig in long before April 15, almost with pleasure. Intuitives dread the day they have to unravel all their expenses of the previous year.

Sensors

When it’s time to think about the future, Sensors don’t indulge in fantasies about what “might be.” They are not at their best when it comes to long-term planning. They are here-and-now people. If a partner wants to reflect on all the possibilities for a winter vacation, the Sensor feels at a disadvantage. He or she would rather talk about their plans for the weekend.

Thinkers

Thinkers procrastinate when it comes to expressing themselves about personal issues. They’re slow to say, “I’m sorry,” even when they know they’ve hurt someone and are in the wrong. It’s much harder for a Thinker to say “I love you,” than it is for a Feeler. Many of them think that being “touchy-feely” is a sign of weakness, and that it’s better to be logical and neutral about everything.

Feelers

Feelers are reluctant to get engrossed in tasks where there’s no one else to talk to or get feedback from. They also dislike conflict and will avoid or postpone it whenever possible. They want to be involved with people in positive ways, where everyone ends up with good feelings. Negative confrontations are extremely distasteful to them.

Perceivers

When a deadline looms or a decision must be made, Perceivers put off final actions as long as possible. In their opinion, there’s always more information to be collected and examined. Perceivers are often tardy for appointments. They avoid being stressed by clock time. Their attention wanders to other things and, as a result, they’re late.

Judgers

When it comes time for fun and relaxation, Judgers procrastinate because they can always think of things that should be done before indulging in pleasure. Because Judgers may have an endless to-do list, many never get around to the reward of having fun alone or with others.

Solutions to Procrastination

Extraverts need to discipline themselves so they don’t routinely seek feedback about whatever has occurred to them. One way to do this is to schedule “work alone” periods, interspersed with scheduled breaks.

Introverts need to discipline themselves to do just the opposite—get outside their private sphere when it would be objectively useful. Even going to a public place like the library can be a challenge for the Introvert who prefers the solitude of his or her study.

Intuitives, with their future-oriented perspective, may come up short when it comes to estimating the amount of time needed to accomplish something in a given amount of time. If they are building a sandbox for a child’s birthday, for example, they may run into construction hang-ups that mean the job can’t be done on schedule. This needn’t be a cause for self-criticism. It’s simply one of those things that happen in life for no foreseeable reason.

Sensors need to see beyond clock time when they know that foresight or flexibility is needed. They tend to do well with minutes and seconds but fall short when a vision of the future is required. Sometimes they need to act when those around them affirm that the time is right, not when it’s on the Sensor’s schedule.

Thinkers have a tendency to set schedules or follow time lines that are compatible with their own needs, without considering the needs of others. Offending people is one problem with the Thinkers’ practice of basing decisions on objective outcomes rather than considering the impact on others.

Feelers must learn to say “no” without feeling guilty. They sometimes have trouble setting firm boundaries for themselves—instead focusing on the impact of their decisions on others. While Thinkers more readily impose themselves on others, Feelers more easily take on the responsibilities or consequences of decisions themselves, resulting in the feeling that they’re being taken advantage of.

Perceivers need to recognize their predisposition to procrastination, flitting from one project to another. Ironically, they often see this as a time-saving effort, juggling more than one project at a time. The result may be several projects left uncompleted. They would do better to limit themselves to one or two projects at a time.

Judgers naturally work well with schedules and deadlines. They risk reaching conclusions prematurely, however, resulting in a suboptimal outcome. They should be ready to listen to the ideas of their more-flexible counterparts, the Perceivers. When Judgers feel a strong need for a decision, such as buying a car, they’ll do well to listen to a Perceiver’s feedback about the details of the decision. They may uncover valuable information that they’d neglected.

Procrastination is an equal opportunity trait.

Are You an Introvert or an Extravert?

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Are you attracted to people of different Myers-Briggs types? This is natural. The novelty is appealing, even seductive. Over time, however, you (an Introvert, let’s say) may find that the gregarious, outgoing person you met and have started to date now gets on your nerves. These Extraverts, you think, spill all the beans the moment they meet someone. You hear yourself saying, “Do you have to tell your life story to everyone on the street?” The insult gets you nowhere, of course. The person is just following the mandates of his or her Myers-Briggs type.

It’s interesting to consider that as much as we think we prefer the novel and unique in other people, we wish later on that they’d be more like us. In the long run, we may find our attraction soured by people who insist on “doing their own thing,” especially when it departs from conformity. In a family, business, or community organization, such nonconformity may even be regarded as disloyal or slightly dangerous.

Introversion and Extraversion are traits that reflect how we deal with the outer world and where we get our energy. Introverts get their inner renewal from private time—time spent alone with their thoughts. They don’t socialize much compared to Extraverts, who thrive on the company of others. Being with people is the source of the Extravert’s energy.

Introvert Type

  • Introverts often rehearse what they’re going to say and prefer that others do the same. When someone proposes a course of action, they’re likely to say, “I’ll think about that.”
  • Introverts enjoy the peace and quiet of their own company. They often feel that their privacy is being invaded by others. Many develop the skill of tuning out noises from the social world, such as conversations in the other room. Some shut off the radio and TV in the house when they want to be alone and left in peace.
  • They are often seen as great, empathic listeners, but feel that others take advantage of their willingness to listen rather than talk about themselves.
  • Others often perceive them as reserved or shy because they don’t talk much when with people outside their social circle (which tends to be very small).
  • Introverts like to share special occasions with one other person or a couple of close friends. They hate surprise parties.
  • They avoid blurting their opinions out forcefully, but then get annoyed when someone else comes out with just what they were about to say.
  • When they share feelings and thoughts they don’t want interruptions from others, just as they don’t interrupt others when they are sharing.
  • They need to “recharge” alone after they’ve spent some time socializing with others.
  • Introverts get suspicious or annoyed when others chatter away, repeating things others have said, or are too effusive in their compliments. They believe in the old saying, “Talk is cheap.”

Extravert Type

  • Extraverts tend to talk first and think later. They often don’t know what they’re about to say until they hear themselves say it. They sometimes berate themselves for talking too much.
  • They know a lot of people and tend to count them as close friends. They try to include as many people as possible in social activities.
  • They don’t mind distracting noises in the background when reading or trying to hold a conversation. They’re good at tuning out irrelevant noises.
  • Extraverts are very approachable, whether it’s by strangers or friends. They enjoy conversation for its own sake, although they do have a tendency to dominate the content.
  • They find telephone calls to be welcome distractions. Often they’re the first to pick up the phone when it rings. They often call people on impulse when they just want to communicate some interesting bit of news.
  • They enjoy parties and like talking with many different people, including strangers. They tend to reveal personal information even with people they’ve never met before.
  • When faced with a task or assignment, Extraverts prefer bouncing ideas off others rather than reflecting in solitude. They prefer generating possibilities in a group to doing it by themselves.
  • Frequently Extraverts ask for help from others when doing mundane tasks. When Extraverts lose their glasses, for example, they’re likely to ask everyone in the room to help look for them rather than tackle the search on their own.
  • They need affirmations and compliments from others about who they are, how they look, and just about everything else. They may think they are doing a good job, but they don’t believe it until they hear others say so.

If you’re an Introvert, that means you’re introverted most, but not all, of the time. People move back and forth slightly in the Myers-Briggs preferences, depending on the situation. There might be a group meeting of a fellowship you’ve belonged to for a long time, where you find the social interactions stimulating. The chances are, though, that you’re glad to go home again afterward. If you’re an Extravert and have been in business meetings all day long, you may feel worn out and want only to go home and listen to some classical music. It’s normal for the preferences to be modified according to different situations. The balance between the two traits on each of the four pairs depends on a number of factors, but the overall tendencies are usually stable.

 

Same or Opposite Types?

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Do you prefer people who are the same as you, or people who are different? If you’re like most people, you’re originally attracted to individuals who are different. Over time, however, you may find that the very traits that appealed to you, now get on your nerves. If you’re an American from San Diego attracted to a person from the Bronx, you may think the New York street accent delightful at first. Within six months, a New York accent may be the last thing you want to hear. You might even go as far as demanding the person modify his or her way of talking. If that demand seems too much for you or your friend, you may just wind up feeling alienated.

It’s interesting to consider that as much as we think we prefer the novel and unique in other people, we wish later on that they’d be more like us. In the long run, we may find our attraction soured by people who insist on “doing their own thing,” especially when it departs from conformity. In a family, business, or community organization, such nonconformity may even be regarded as disloyal or slightly dangerous.

When you’re more respectful of all the different types of people in the Myers-Briggs spectrum, you may be more tolerant of the differences among various people. You can identify the differences between you and other folks and allow the attachment to grow or diminish with the passage of time—without feeling the need to change the other person more to your way of thinking and behaving. It requires insight and patience to allow other people to develop in a relationship in ways natural to them.

Self Awareness

It all starts with self-awareness. By recognizing your own tendencies, strengths and weakness you can acknowledge the justification for all individuals to live according to their own lights. If their behavior is not aggressive or destructive, you can view them the same way you view your own personality, with interest and tolerance. You can see where personality differences and similarities can be used for the purpose of harmony, not discord. If, for example, you are a Myers-Briggs Judging (J) type and your friend is a Perceiving (P) type, you might find that his or her inclination to be tardy for appointments is simply a trait that comes naturally. Waiting in a restaurant for your luncheon date might be okay on one or two occasions but after that it becomes irritating. You begin thinking about how irresponsible and thoughtless the person is—how negligent of your busy schedule.

How to Manage

There are several options. One is to bring a book with you, knowing that you’re destined to wait in the restaurant for 15 to 30 minutes. Another is to announce that after a 10-minute wait, you’re going to cancel the lunch date and move on. A third approach is to explain the negative effect their tardiness has on you and how it lowers your estimation of them as friends or partners. In other words, ask for compromise. It may be that your argument persuades the friend to at least be more prompt some of the time. If this is the case, their positive behavior should earn positive reinforcement from you to encourage repeat performances.

A compromise option is to tell them how important it is to you that they be on time; you feel disrespected when they’re not. Give them a 15-minute leeway and bring along something to occupy yourself in that vacuum. Then, let them know politely, if they can’t manage that, you’ll leave the restaurant after 15 minutes and go some place else to eat.

Framing your behavior and that of others in terms of Myers-Briggs traits is one way to make your relationships function more smoothly, and give you greater peace of mind. You no longer need to go through your life being aggravated at half your family, friends, and co-workers.

Are You a Sensor or an Intuitive?

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More confusion probably exists regarding Sensors (S) and Intuitives (N) than any other type. Extraverts (E) and Introverts (I) are easy to tell apart. So are Thinkers (T) and Feelers (F). The labels themselves are giveaways. Perceiving (P) and Judging (J) require a bit of observation to figure out. Is the person usually late for deadlines and appointments? Does he or she avoid making final decisions on things as long as possible? That’s typical of a Perceiver. Judging types rarely miss deadlines and are seldom late for appointments. They verge on compulsive. They make decisions easily because they prefer closure to open-ended situations. You don’t have to know the Judger or Perceiver for long to figure out which type they are.  The Sensing and Intuitive types are more elusive.

Sensing Type

• Sensors prefer being involved in the here and now rather than thinking about what’s next. They would rather do things than think about them.

• They like tasks with tangible outcomes rather than vague promises. They’d rather pressure-wash the driveway themselves than look around for a budget-friendly handyman to do the job.

• They believe that “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” If the toaster isn’t working the way it used to, it’s better to improvise to get the desired outcome than take it apart or to an appliance repair person.

• Sensors prefer dealing with facts and figures, not abstract ideas and theories. They like to hear about things in a logical order, not randomly.

• They read magazines from front to back rather than diving into them anywhere.

• They dislike it when people give them vague instructions rather than stepwise details. “Here’s the overall plan. We’ll discuss the details later,” is the type of communication that frustrates them.

• Sensors are literal in their use of words. If they say, “Be careful. The coffee is boiling hot,” it probably is. The Intuitive might mean that the coffee is just uncomfortably warm.

• At work, Sensors focus on their own jobs and responsibilities rather than their importance to the overall organization.

Intuitive Type

• Intuitives can think about several things at the same time. They’re often accused of being absent-minded.

• They’re usually more concerned about where they’re headed than where they are. Future possibilities interest them more that present realities.

• Intuitives like to figure out how things work as much for the fun of it as anything else. Toaster broken? The Intuitive is right there to take it apart and fix it.

• They’re prone to making puns and playing word games. They enjoy language for its own sake.

• They’re good at seeing the interconnectedness between things. They don’t just want to know the facts. They want to know the meaning behind the facts. Reading the newspaper is an entirely different experience for the Intuitive and the Sensor.

• Intuitives tend to give general answers to questions rather than specific details. If the intuitive is asked how far it is to Jacksonville, he or she might answer, “about a 2-hour drive” when what the Sensor wants to hear is, “86 miles.”

• They’d rather fantasize about how they’re going to spend their next paycheck than sit down and balance their checkbook.

A Little of Both

If you’re like most people you’re neither 100 percent Sensing nor 100 percent Intuitive.  One trait will tend to be dominant, however. Myers and Briggs specified that the traits are “preferences” suggesting that it’s possible to modify them some of the time. This is particularly obvious in the Thinking and Feeling preferences. While the Thinker may be logical and dispassionate about decisions most of the time, he or she may  turn almost entirely to the Feeling preference if the family dog is injured. The Thinker will engage Feeling preferences for the occasion, putting everything aside, including finances, for the welfare of the pet.

It’s normal for the preferences to be modified according to different situations. In most social circumstances you might be an Extravert, but it’s natural that you should need some private time as an Introvert now and then. The balance between the two traits on each of the four pairs depends on a number of factors, but the overall tendencies are usually stable.

Your Study Habits

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In fifty years of solitary work—researching and writing—I’ve discovered that some environments put me in a more productive frame of mind than others. When the conditions aren’t “ideal” for me, I get distracted easily. Disarray puts me in a jumpy mood and I don’t stay on task very long. A review of the literature suggests that I’m not alone.

According to behavioral scientists, several conditions influence your motivation to study:

Regular Routine

The demands of everyday life can be distracting, making it easy to get sidetracked into extraneous tasks. This is why it’s crucial to create a daily routine, with time clearly allocated to study.

Claiming set times in a routine is particularly helpful if you live with someone who needs to learn when to leave you to yourself. Your special time allocated to studying should be clear to everyone.

Ambient Noise

If you live someplace surrounded with noisy friends or family, you won’t be able to hear yourself think. You may find yourself getting irritated and distracted. If this happens, it’s wise to scout around for an alternative study space where you’ll get peace and quiet as you concentrate on your notes and books.

If worse comes to worst, get some earphones that block out environmental sounds. And disable your phone for a while.

Although some people can stay focused when surrounded by chaos, noise generally disrupts mental processes. Many students vow that soft music or a television set turned on low keeps them on task and in no way hampers their concentration. Researchers would challenge that claim. They have found that environmental noise—background music, city sounds, people’s conversations—leads to a decrease in performance for most people. While these things can improve positive emotions, increase performance in sports, and make people complete tasks a little faster, they have disruptive consequences for reading and studying—a chilling finding for students addicted to ambient noise.

Personal Space

Whether you are in your room in a dormitory or in a public place like a library or a coffee shop you need to create your own space. Set some boundaries between you and the outside world with familiar personal objects. If you’re in a coffee shop, find a table by yourself, discourage visitors by filling the table with coffee cups, napkins, notes, etc.  This not only discourages intruders, but it creates peace of mind. “This space is mine alone.” Embellishments make the workplace inviting to you and discourage outsiders who might otherwise interrupt your work.

By returning to or recreating the same work environment over and over, you help safeguard yourself against blocks to studying.

Tidy Work Area

Many students pore over their books in a messy environment. It’s not what they prefer, but it’s what they do, mostly out of task avoidance or downright laziness. If you belong to this category of students, you’d best tidy up your study area before attempting to work. It’s surprising what a salutary effect this has on productivity. You don’t have to break your concentration looking for items you’ve misplaced. A tidy desktop clears the mind.

Comfort

Your desk chair should be large enough to take your full weight and support your back. Backaches are not conducive to good study habits. You should have a desk that will give you plenty of clean space to work on. Your computer screen should be adjusted to the correct angle and distance for easy viewing. The room should be tidy and air-conditioned, or heated to a temperature that feels comfortable to you.

Students’ Accessories

If you use the internet for research, you need a reliable and fast internet connection for easy access to information. Your laptop or desktop computer should have a keyboard that’s comfortable for typing. If you take notes while working, have a writing pad and pens or pencils handy. In other words, create an efficient and well-stocked study center,

Attire

Wearing pajamas may work for some people, but it makes many of us sleepy and tired, wanting only to retreat to our beds for a short restorative nap. Dressing to the nines has the opposite detrimental effect. We’ve prepared ourselves to go out on the town, not work at our keyboard. Wear garments that make you feel presentable, clean and alert, but not all dressed up with no place to go.

Shoes? By all means, go without. Based on observations of thousands of children from 25 countries over 10 years, academics concluded that children who slip off their shoes are more likely to arrive at school earlier, leave later and read more widely. Comprehensive new research suggests that “shoeless” kids are more engaged in lessons, leading to better concentration and test results.

STOP!

There are times when attempting to study is just not a good idea. One thing is clear – if you are angry or upset, the last thing you should do is to try some serious studying. It requires a clear mind, unclouded by negative thoughts. Wait until your feathers are no longer ruffled. Then go for it.

 

 

 

 

 

Sensors vs. Intuitives—The Dating Game

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In the dating game, the Sensing and Intuitive Myers-Briggs preferences can be a source of excitement and, at the same time, confusion.

Sensors are realistic about dating partners. They judge other people by what they do and say. Being grounded in objective reality, they aren’t impressed by phony facades or bragging. They clearly see the good and the bad in the here and now. Intuitives, with their active imaginations, are more titillated by the possibilities in their minds than what’s actually taking place in the present. They extrapolate from the evidence in front of them and don’t take it at face value. Sensors may fantasize, too, but they’re more likely to do it after the fact. Their perceptions in the moment must agree with what’s going on in reality, rather than their wishful thinking about the future.

Sensors are more tuned to their senses: how the date looks and sounds, whether he or she smells nice and has agreeable tastes in music and food. For them, the dating experience happens through the five senses. Intuitives are more interested in their hunches about the person. They experience dates more in the sense of potential for the future. The Intuitive is more interested in images conjured up by their imaginations—in other words, what the date should be like, more than what he or she actually is.

For Sensors, the date begins only when the two parties stand face to face. For Intuitives, the date begins as soon as arrangements are made. That leaves plenty of time to fantasize about possibilities.

One problem arises when the two types actually get together for their date. Sensors may have trouble following the Intuitive’s many trains of thought. Because good conversation is a major factor in the early phases of the dating game, the differences between the two types begin to emerge sooner rather than later. Sensors like to talk about concrete things: people they’ve met, experiences they’ve had, places they’ve been—with specifics provided in detail. Intuitives would rather talk about their dreams, visions, ideas, and other intangibles.

One aggravating problem for both parties lies in the details each provides. Sensing partners tend to interrupt the stories of their partners with corrections about dates, places, and so on. The Intuitive is less interested in minute details than in the main theme of the story.

Here’s an example of a story about poor restaurant service that Joe is telling friends:

Joe: We were eating at Chez Pierre, and they brought me a Martini instead of a Bloody Mary.

Susan: They brought you a Manhattan by mistake.

Joe: Then it took almost an hour to deliver my entrée.

Susan: It was 40 minutes.

Joe: And the trout wasn’t even cooked thoroughly.

Susan: You ordered grouper that night.

You can see how this couple could run into irritating conflicts over time—with the Sensing person aggravated by her partner’s factual errors and the Intuitive’s annoyance at being interrupted and contradicted like a small child.

For Sensors, it’s important that facts be presented correctly. The details are as important as flow and underlying meaning. For the Intuitive, the underlying message takes stage center.

Extraverts vs. Introverts—The Dating Game

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Extraverts are naturals at the dating game. You can count on them to take the role of pursuer, make the date, and do the talking. They know how to fill the time and provide the entertainment, whether it’s just an evening of talking or a night on the town.

Extraverts carry on conversations with remarkable ease. In fact, when spending an evening with an Introvert, they can ask all the right questions, provide the answers, and then thank the Introvert for a wonderful time. They suggest different activities—bowling, dancing, the movies, etc. It’s not that Introverts are pushovers. But one event in an evening is enough, while Extraverts like to be everywhere at once.

The fact is, despite their differences, Introverts are drawn to Extraverts for their outgoing nature. Because they are so congenial, Extraverts can carry an entire conversation on their shoulders with no help from outsiders. They can practice their extraversion on ushers, waiters, hostesses, and anyone else within earshot. One Introvert said of her Extravert date, “I don’t need to show up for a date. My partner might not even miss me, but he’ll thank me for a good time.” It’s easy to be with an Extravert. You don’t have to worry how to act or what to say in public, or in private for that matter. The Extravert will do it all.

The ease of being with an Extravert is especially helpful in the first stages of a relationship. Don’t know what to say? Extraverts can keep a conversation going when nothing needs to be said. That’s why Extraverts perform so well on casual introductory dates. An Extravert coupled with an Introvert can enjoy the company of another person while still being alone, in a sense.

The advantages of the combination? The Extravert can keep the Introvert from isolating themselves too much of the time. On the other hand, Extraverts, like all of us, need some quiet time to keep from getting frayed around the edges. Introverts provide those intervals of peace and quiet.

Perceiving vs. Judging—The Dating Game

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Perceiving (P) and Judging (J) are a set of opposite traits on the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory. They are called the attitude traits. The other three sets are Extraversion vs. Introversion (energy), Sensing vs. Intuition (information-processing), and Thinking vs. Feeling (decision-making). Differences in the J-P function may cause considerable friction among opposites—particularly between the Judger, for example, who is always on time for appointments and the Perceiver who always arrives late.

The differences between a Perceiver and Judger are hard to hide on a day-to-day basis. Concealing one’s type is not all that difficult for other types. For example, an Introvert may have cultivated enough interpersonal and communications skills that he or she can come across as an Extravert. This is not uncommon. Or a smooth-talking Thinker may come across as a Feeling type when he or she is anything but. The J-P difference, on the other hand, is difficult to mask.

The differences between the two types are seen in the following example.

P: I saw the new library building this morning.
P: It must hold a lot of books.
P: The library will be open evenings.

J: I saw it, too. The architecture is beautiful. It must have cost a pretty penny.
J: I’ll look forward to a larger selection of books now.
J: I’m glad it will be open evenings. I can go after work.

Notice that the Perceiver makes no judgments about the new library. She’s seen it. It’s big. And it’s open in the evenings. On the other hand, the Judger’s remarks are full of value statements. The architecture is “beautiful.” He looks forward to a larger selection of books. He’s happy that he can now visit the library after work. These three statements have considerably more attitudinal closure—the hallmark of the Judger—than those made by the Perceiver.

This example is pretty tame compared with many of the scenarios faced by couples, based on their attitudes and outlook. In real life, both parties can get irritated by the obtuseness of the other. The Judger has an opinion, a plan, and a schedule for nearly everything. Perceivers, meanwhile, seem wishy-washy with their lack of opinions. They are easygoing about everything short of life-and-death issues.

Neither function, Perceiving or Judging, is better than the other. We need both types in the world.  J’s need P’s to inspire them to relax, collect more information before reaching a decision, and not make major issues of relatively unimportant matters. P’s need J’s to help them get organized and follow through on decisions.

Judgers can be described as orderly and organized. Their actions are controlled. They’re always on schedule. They seem to make decisions quickly with a minimum of stress—far too quickly for the anxious Perceiver. Judgers plan their work and their daily activities and then stick to the plan, Even leisure time is organized. For Judgers, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do everything.

Perceivers try to create an environment that allows them to be flexible and spontaneous. They want to be ready to adapt to a variety of conditions that can’t be predicted. Making and sticking to decisions prematurely causes them anxiety. The person whose friends have trouble understanding where he or she stands on specific issues is usually a Perceiver—flexible, open, and not judgmental.

At their respective extremes, the Perceiver is almost incapable of making decisions. Judgers find it almost impossible to change theirs.

Thinking vs. Feeling—The Conflict

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Thinking and Feeling are a set of opposite traits on the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory. They are called the decision-making traits. The other three sets are Extraversion vs. Introversion (energy), Sensing vs. Intuition (how information is processed), and Perceiving vs. Judging (attitude).

Everyone exercises their Thinking-Feeling function based on information they’ve gathered, one way or another. This decision-making function—unlike the information-gathering function, which is the process of taking in data before doing anything about it—is all about closure. It is focused. Its purpose is to make judgments and determine what action to take.

 The Differences

When a couple is buying a car, they look at its appearance, determine the price, and then test-drive it. During this time, they’re gathering information. If all the qualities of the car are right, they may decide to buy it. The buyer who is a Thinker—analytical, detached, and logical—is driven by objective information. He or she is likely to be swayed by price, mechanical characteristics of the car, and resale value. The Feeling person—flexible and more emotional—is likely to be influenced by comfort, eye appeal, and what others will think of the car.

If the Thinker and Feeler arrive at the same conclusion, that doesn’t mean that they’ve taken the same route to the decision. If, for example, the car were a distasteful color in the eyes of the Feeler, that alone could be sufficient reason for him to reject it as a choice. On the other hand, the Thinker might find the color of minor importance, outweighed by other factors. In this case, the two will disagree on the decision.

Conflict

Too often, in the intimate areas of life, Thinkers and Feelers pass like ships in the night. Because they so easily misunderstand each other, their dialogue is often laced with negative feelings and unresolved issues. Much interpersonal dissatisfaction can be the result on both sides.

It should be clear that Thinkers do more than just think. They feel, too. And the opposite is true. Feelers think. At best, the Thinking person can bring objectivity to the table in any decision-making situation involving the partners. The Feeling person brings an awareness of how their decision can influence others, or the subjective outcome of their proposed action. Together, they can complement each other, listening carefully to the arguments put forth by the other party. In this way, they can reach a decision that meets both their needs.

Thinkers Feel, Too

Because a Thinking person tends to be objective, it doesn’t mean that he’s always decisive. What’s at stake is the process by which the decisions are reached. The thinker tends to be objective and removed, while the Feeler is totally involved. Both care, think, and feel, but the routes by which they arrive at their decisions are very different. When they fail to understand each other, they can fall into the trap of mutual put-downs.

While more American men are Thinkers rather than Feelers and more American women are Feelers, it doesn’t mean that the trait is gender-specific. It’s estimated that about twenty-five percent of men are Feelers, and the same percentage of women are Thinkers. On first impression, this might be viewed as a natural and appealing split. Some women are charmed by a manly decision-maker, while many men may find feminine flexibility attractive. Over time, however, their differences can become a source of interpersonal problems. This is particularly true when women are thinking types and men are Feeling types. These women don’t follow the feminine stereotype of soft, malleable creatures. The men who show feelings too readily aren’t considered macho enough.

The Solution

For the Feeling and Thinker to be compatible, they should understand the advantages of their different points of view and profit by them, not criticize each other.

Traits of Thinkers vs. Feelers

Thinkers                      Feelers

Firm                             Flexible

Clear                            Subtle

Critical                         Tolerant

Detached                     Involved

Just                              Compassionate

Legal-minded              Fair-hearted

Objective                     Subjective

How to Catch the Woman of Your Dreams

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To appeal to an attractive woman, there are a number of do’s and don’ts. There’s a lot more than initial appeal to maintaining a relationship, but first you have to attract her. Your appearance and demeanor are at the top of the list. You should look clean and well-groomed and act in a civilized gentlemanly manner. You should appear to be more interested in her than in yourself, show a sense of humor, and demonstrate that while she’s important to you, you have an interesting life of your own. Below are a  number of suggestions.

Good grooming. Dress like a man, not a boy. A jacket and tie are preferable to a t-shirt with a beer slogan, but dress appropriately for the place and occasion. Practice good hygiene. Make sure your nails are clean and you’ve shaved. Shampoo your hair so it’s shiny and floppy, not greasy and stiff. Wear deodorant. Forget the male perfumes. More women find them offensive than not. If you wear leather shoes, polish them. Look like you stepped out of GQ, not Mechanics Illustrated.

Gentlemanly behavior. Be polite, almost formal at first. Introduce yourself and tell her you’re pleased to meet her. Offer to buy her a drink. Listen to her conversation attentively. Don’t let your attention wander; keep your eyes on her face. Don’t glance at the TV, even if the Super Bowl is on. Don’t look at other women. And don’t play with your phone.

Interesting conversation. Try exploring her interests for topics of conversation. What does she like to do in her spare time. Is she interested in art, music, sports? Follow her lead and develop the topic with intelligent comments of your own. This is a good way to find out if you have some interests in common.

Playfulness. Laugh when she says something funny. Show her that you appreciate a good sense of humor. Tell stories of your own life, keeping them short and interesting. Don’t brag.

Body language. Keep your body language open and relaxed. Never cross your arms or legs. Smile at her often. Speak in a gentle, masculine voice, never becoming shrill or loud. Turn toward her as you talk, not blocking her off with an arm between you.

Show her that you find her attractive. Compliment her on her dress, hair, or other aspect of her appearance without being overly forward. Let her know that you appreciate her conversation.

Show her that you have a life of your own. Don’t be too pushy or needy. Indicate that you’d like to spend more time with her, but also make it clear that you have a busy life of your own.

Biggest Attraction Killers

Not holding eye contact, poor attention span. If you allow your attention to wander to other people or the scene around you, you’re sending the message that you’re not that interested in her and probably never will be.

Too much sexual intent. If your conversation has too much sexual content or you’re making passes at her, you’ll scare her off. Stay away from sexy topics for the time being, until the relationship has ripened to the point where it’s clearly safe.

Bragging and talking too much. Don’t monopolize the conversation talking about yourself or your interests. Instead, try to draw her out and listen attentively to what she has to say.

Discussing risky topics. Don’t talk about your ex-girlfriends, ex-wives, or children. Stay away from sex. It’ s a turnoff too early in the conversation. Don’t discuss politics or religion. If you’re a Democrat and she’s a Republican, that could be enough for her to back away.

Getting drunk. Don’t try to get acquainted with someone when you’re drunk or well on your way. If you’ve already had something to drink when you meet her, slow down or stop. Order a Perrier. You don’t need to stop her from drinking; just watch your own.

Bad hygiene. Bad breath, body odor, dirty fingernails, or soiled clothes are immediate turn-offs for most women. Be sure you’re clean and you smell only of soap when you leave home. A clean, well-groomed man is a turn-on for most women.

Getting overeager. Keep the conversation general at first. Don’t start by propositioning a woman or laying out plans for future dates. When you compliment her, don’t overdo it. Keep your remarks subtle.

Not being present. If you’re not enjoying the present moment, it will be clear to a woman. Make your interest apparent but subtle. Show her that you take pleasure in her company, that her presence lifts your spirits. Make it clear that you’re not bored.

First impressions are important. They’re the first steps in forming a relationship, but you can’t slack off. What you did successfully at the first meeting must become a habit if you want the connection to last.